Why did I get up today or yesterday?
There is no cushioning layer of beauty
Between the harsh realities of life.
Everything goes from one gray area
To the grayer next. I am one of
Those people who set out to lose.
Where people pride themselves on money
Influence and having friends, I am
Poor, ridiculous, and haven't any.
Brice Marden called me a dilettante
The other night. It serves me right.
I don't make a big deal about my talent
And am so unsure about the quality of
My work that I never show it to people
So I guess that they think I don't do anything.
I've never earned a penny from my work
Which does in a sense make it worthless.
Someone asked me the other day what I
Do for a living and I just didn't know what to say.
I am an extra cast to decorate the bar scene:
There's poor Rene - how old he's getting. Such
Promise such intelligence it's just too bad.
Someone should do something for him. He
Used to be so amusing but bitterness and failure
Illness and disesteem have made him vexatious and
Mean. I wonder how he survives. So do I.
Friends must be tiring of me rapidly. Do I
Get invited to people's summer homes? They
Must be tired of waiting for me to do something.
I won't surprise them by becoming a great success
Because failure is my way of revenge, self-pity
My affection the only kind I know.
I am one of those people invited to entertain after
Dinner like a toothpick. And if I meet new people
On a good night, who are taken in and take me in
Soon tire of me also when they see how my friends,
The actual objects of their curiosity, treat me.
Some people set out to lose and find success where
Others see failure. In the low regard of friends I
Find reinforcement for my view of the hollow world
Where I have chosen to live, a mild irritant
And a moral lesson to youth, to fulfill at an
Early age the promise I have so completely broken.
- Rene Ricard 1977